Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Here's what's going right:

I am loved.

I'm healthy, my kids are healthy, Brian is healthy, my mother is doing just fine after her pacemaker implant and angiogram.*

I'm not going hungry. I don't have much cash for food right now, but I'm eating, the kids are eating, we all seem to be getting fed.

I have a roof over my head, the gas and electric and water bills have been paid, I have clothing as do my children.

The amazing director of the new child care is pretty much going on absolute faith that someday, very soon, I will be able to pay.

Don't tell anyone, but I am currently enjoying pirated cable.

There seem to be more jobs available right now than there have been since I moved here in 09/01. The market feels healthier. This is not to say that I will find a job, especially in my current state of round tumminess, but still.

*Healthy is a relative term. But I basically mean, you know, not dying tomorrow from any diseases. That we know of.

I've been here before, and it's not a fun place to be. And there is no question that I spend the better part of many days beating myself up for not having a career/savings account full of cash/better plan/sugar daddy (just kidding on that last one). To be in this position is one thing, but to be in this position when there are children who depend on you, that is quite another. And it sucks. It can even be paralyzing some days. But of course paralysis only prolongs the problem, so I'm mostly managing to push through that numb, stunned experience and into action. I'd so much rather be eating potato chips and watching Rickie Lake than dealing with anything remotely like job hunting or house cleaning or my life in general. And some days that's pretty much what I do. But today I cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry and looked at the (horrible! lame! low paying! shitty!) job listings on line, and ate some eggs, and took care of my sick-ish baby, and got through it. Tonight I will indulge in more television, because right now television, as long as I'm careful not to overuse it, is saving my ass.

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